Self Doubt & Imposter Syndrome

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” – Anais Nin

The little voice at the back of my head sounds a little like this, “Wow, you’ve done it now. How is it possible you can suck this much and still agree to public speaking engagements? You should quit while ahead and spare yourself the humiliation.”

The above is an actual quote from that little voice at the back of my head. Growing up, I was taught the importance of keeping grounded. Unfortunately the same voice has also fed my imposter syndrome and sent me down the self doubt tunnel.

Unfortunately I don’t have a magic pill to take this away. For years I avoided seeking opportunities at work that were outside of my immediate responsibilities. The only time I put my hand up was when I knew I could do 100% of the job and do it well. From time to time I would be dropped in the deep end; it was terrifying but some how I always managed to stay afloat. The little voice at the back of my head ate away at my sense of achievement.

It took me a long time to even realise my “grounding” voice was holding me back. That little voice at the back of my head is the invisible naysayer who was with me all the time! It was preventing me from pursuing opportunities under the guise of protecting me. It tried to protect me from stress, failure and humiliation.

At one point in my career, I was considering leaving the tech industry altogether. I was job hunting and applying for positions anywhere else. I realised in that moment I was taking a plunge into the unknown and that the voice in my head was now contradicting itself. It wanted me to take the “easy way out” and leave the industry; but it also wanted me to stay in my comfort zone. This brought about a moment of realisation; I am the one who is ultimately in control of my life. This is my journey.

Being completely transparent, that little voice isn’t gone; it is still very much a part of me. I still have moments, days where it comes out and rears its ugly head. I’ve learnt to be aware of when I should ignore it and when I can use that voice to challenge myself.

How did I do it?

I found my identity, who I am and my values.
I found my voice, agreeing to opportunities before the little voice has a chance to dissuade me.
I do not wait for universal acclaim or someone else to push me to take up an initiative. If I have an idea built on good intentions; I get a few trusted opinions and give it a try.
I built myself a good network of professional contacts, some also became my friends and confidants. I go to them for advice, opinions. Often I find myself giving them advice that I could benefit from!
I found my passion. When I was asked by a mentor “why are you in this industry.” My instinct was “I’m here to find the truth.” Now, I managed to find a voice to also speak that truth.
I no longer seek or chase external validation. I don’t need to seek compliments to prove anything to that little voice.
I also got a Post-it quote from a mentor/friend of mine “Shut up B****. You’re doing fine!” It acts as a kicker / reminder for when the internal dialogue gets going.

Do you also have a similar voice? Have you stopped yourself from pursuing opportunities because you were afraid of failure? What do you do to keep your own internal voice at bay?

In my next post I will be sharing how I found my passion and make achievements in an industry I was discouraged from joining right from the start.

Disclaimer: All statements and comments are my own. They do not reflect the views of any past or present employers.